Thursday, December 10, 2020

 Reverse Holiday Sale Contest!

For Twitter users: I will be purchasing ten (10) Kindle books at midnight, 12/24/2020 (GMT). Will I buy your book? Maybe. It all depends on your sales pitch (think #pitmad) and whether or not you followed the rules. Rules? The rules of my Reverse Holiday Sale Contest are as follows:

1. Cutoff deadline is midnight, 12/20/2020 (GMT)
2. Reply to my pinned tweet with your pitch and any links you want to include
3. Retweet my pinned tweet
4. You may enter more than once, but not for the same book
5. No purchase is necessary
6. You do not have to follow me

That's not so bad, is it? Follow the rules and convince me to buy your book!

The 10 finalists will be listed below on 12/25/2020.

12/20/2020 --- My contest has ended. I have 52 books to choose from. Not everyone followed the rules, exactly, but if you replied to my pinned tweet, you're in the running. From now until 12/24, I will be making my list and checking it twice. The ten winners will be listed on 12/25 at 5:00pm (GMT).

12/25/2020 --- Here are the ten selections I purchased:

@NorwegianThomas - Billie Albatross and Her Time Traveling Mom

@LoshadSpaceport - Unicorn Farmhand

@anna_mocikat - Behind Blue Eyes: A Cyberpunk Noir Thriller

@AuthorSJB - Timeshaft

@marina_erving - Terrestrial Magic: A Post-Apocalyptic Urban Fantasy Novel

@Tanweer_Dar - The Demon

@LukefahrLady - Bucky and the Lukefahr Ladies: Walking the Labyrinth

@vicmarswell - The Counterfeiter's Daughter

@AuthorBryan - THE PACKAGE: An International Thriller of Conspiracy, Murder and Betrayal

@JessSFrankel - The Auctioneer

On the Nature of Matter


No one knows the true nature of matter. The fictional CEO of the Brookstone Heuristics Corporation, Allen Brookstone, learns this explanation of it from a friendly alien in The Chaos Machine:



Five Months Ago - Mount Ararat, Turkey

Allen shook his head, "Why doesn't it ever fill up?"

He was sitting in the console room with Minerva who was trying to explain how the information was stored in the Chaos Machine. Allen had mastered the basic interface and had satisfied himself that he understood how most of it worked. But now he was trying to understand the mechanics behind the system and had wandered into a wholly different world. In front of them, about a half-meter above the console, floated a dully glinting sphere. It was clearly opaque, but had a shimmering luster about it that made it appear vaguely out-of-focus. Although they were only looking at a projection, Allen was assured that the real quadro-trilithium crystal at the heart of the machine looked no different.

"You indicated that you understood the nature of the synchronized singularities when we initially studied this," said Minerva.

"Yes, I did. I understand that the singularities in the crystal are attuned somehow to the ones making up the Earth and everything on it. I also understand how the singularities in the crystal can be read-out real-time to display the virtual mirrors of what the Earth singularities are doing. But there's a finite number of singularities in the crystal, right?"

"Well, yes," agreed Minerva, "but only in a volumetric sense. Remember that there's only one singularity to begin with."

"That's the part I'm struggling with, I guess. How can there only be one of them and yet they make up the crystal?"

"I think I see where you're going off track. I don't think that I explained that the entire universe is made up of just the one singularity. It is everywhere in everything, including the crystal, because it literally is everything. All matter, as we know it, is the result of the composite interactions of the nodal manifestations of the singularity." She paused a moment before continuing, "We live a very sheltered life here. I sometimes forget how primitive the state of knowledge is in the outside world. I skimmed through some of the current physics papers to get a feel for how little you know about matter in general." She looked at Allen with sincerity, "You're just going to have to trust me on this."

"I'm no physicist, but it was my minor in college and I was able to work through the math in quantum physics. Of course, the books I learned from have mostly been proven wrong or misguided, but I think I can understand it if I keep at it. You're so patient with me, Minerva!" Allen smiled and leaned back in the chair, clasping his hands behind his neck, "Fire away."

"If I didn't think you could understand it, I wouldn't waste your time." Minerva smiled back at Allen, "Hazel wants to make sure that all your questions are answered completely. He said to hold nothing back." She touched the controls on the console and brought up one of the simulacrums from the manual, "What we loosely call a singularity is conceptually what you might think of as a point or locus in space. It has no length, width, or depth. No dimensionality whatever."

"Check."

"So how many singularities can fit in a small volume, a pea perhaps?"

"How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?"

Minerva frowned, "I don't think I understand your question."

"Never mind," replied Allen. "An infinite number can fit in a pea."

"And how many can fit in something much smaller, like a grain of salt?"

"Still an infinite number." Allen grinned impishly, "But they're much closer together."

Minerva ignored him and continued, "So how many would fit in a singularity?"

Allen thought for a moment. For a brief instant he felt he could see what she was driving at and then the thought eluded him. "While the singularity has no volume, it can still contain an infinite number of singularities within itself."

"Exactly, only now they are crowded in so close together that they are indistinguishable from only one singularity."

"But if there's no volume, then they're not really contained, are they?" Allen frowned and rubbed his temples, "On the other hand, if they have no dimensionality, no volume is required." He looked at Minerva, "And if they have no volume they have no mass, either."

"Now you're getting it. If you can conceive of an infinite number of singularities contained in a single singularity, it becomes a little easier to understand the next part. While our math works out for an infinite number, it also holds true for a finite number. This suits our needs very well because there is a finite number of singularities comprising all of space-time and the equations are readily solvable for finite values."

"Okay, I think I'm with you so far, but I'm not sure where this is going."

"Consider what is commonly called The Big Bang. Just prior to that first moment, all the singularities in the universe were contained within themselves. Itself. And then something happened. They were suddenly allowed to spread outwards from the central locus. This spreading out, if you will, is what we perceive as matter. The movement of the singularities in relation to all the other singularities determines our perception of them. Some of them are neutrons, protons, and electrons making up atoms while others are photons, quarks, and dark matter and such. The singularities themselves have no size or mass, but their interactions produce a unified field that changes in quantum steps."

"I'm assuming this is not the same quantum theory I learned?" Allen asked.

"No, but it's similar in the sense that a singularity has one state at one moment and a different state in the next moment." She anticipated Allen's question, "A moment is defined as a very short period of time. Very, very short in this case." She continued, "So, moment by moment, the singularities throughout the universe change state in lock-step with each other. They are able to do this because they are simply different states of one singularity and merely appear as many."

"So the state of a particular singularity, or the apparent manifestation of one, determines what it is?"

"In a nutshell, yes. The real key is in understanding the relationships and how to manipulate them between moments. The food processor, for example. You take a fresh cheeseburger and store the states of its singularities in a template. Then you take a source volume of necessary atoms and rearrange their states to match those of the template. Swapping states between source and destination requires no energy. Moving them a short distance requires only a little bit. However, changing their state from one to another may require enormous amounts of energy or supply it in return. State-wise, everything balances everywhere throughout the universe."

"I think I follow you, so far. But I'm not sure what you meant by manipulating them between moments."

Minerva replied, "When the singularity changes states, there is an instant where it's in no state at all. Without outside influence, it will normally become the same state again the next moment. It is during this instant that you can influence the state it next assumes. Changing the state of the singularities in an aluminum atom so that it becomes a gold atom is possible, but this requires an immense amount of energy plus the addition of a lot more singularities. Changing the states of gold to aluminum, however, yields up energy and provides a source of singularities."

"So you make food and energy from raw materials. And, if I understand you correctly, as long as your state conversions run downhill, the energy output can be used to push some of them uphill where necessary."

"If by uphill and downhill you are referring to net energy input and output, then you are exactly correct."

"And the singularities in the quadro-trilithium crystal are in lock-step with all the singularities in the Earth?"

"Yes,” replied Minerva, “and don’t forget that the spherical boundary extends somewhat beyond the asteroid belt as well."

"But there's more singularities in our solar system than could possibly be in that crystal!"

"They are the same in number, but as you pointed out earlier, they are packed much closer together. After all, they have no volume."

"Then why doesn't the crystal weigh as much?"

"Due to the unique properties of the crystal lattice, they interact in such a way as to cancel each other out. The crystal has volume, but no mass, as we know it. It sits suspended in a force field to keep it stabilized."

"But there's still a finite number of singularities, yes?"

"Yes."

Allen shook his head, "Then, why doesn't it ever fill up?"

Saturday, December 5, 2020

The Art of Growing Kudzu

 


If you've never heard of kudzu, you're not alone. Unless you live in the southeast United States, you've probably never seen it for yourself. Originally imported from Japan over a hundred years ago, it was promoted by the government as a quickly-growing ground cover that was intended to help prevent soil erosion. Like many of the well-intentioned government programs, it soon got out of hand. Now considered an invasive species of Arrowroot, it grows rapidly and smothers the living daylights out of everything else. On the bright side, however, it's the perfect plant for people who have a black thumb.

If you've never had any luck with gardening, you should consider planting some kudzu. Within only a few days, you will have a lush batch of greenery that will keep you entertained for years to come. While you can grow it any way that you wish, the following guidelines will help you to establish a force majeure of greenery.

[NOTE: The following first appeared in the rec.humor.funny newsgroup circa 1995. The author is unknown.]

All you beginning gardeners out there might want to consider growing kudzu as a fine way to launch out into the great adventure of gardening in the south. Kudzu, for those of you not already familiar with it, is a hardy perennial that can be grown quite well by the beginner who observes these few simple rules:

Gardening Tips from Down South

How to Grow Kudzu

Choosing a Plot:

Kudzu can be grown almost anywhere, so site selection is not the problem it is with some other finicky plants like strawberries. Although kudzu will grow quite well on cement, for best result you should select an area having at least some dirt. To avoid possible lawsuits, it is advisable to plant well away from your neighbors house, unless, of course, you don't get along well with your neighbor anyway.

Preparing the Soil:

Go out and stomp on the soil for a while just to get its attention and to prepare it for kudzu.

Deciding When to Plant:

Kudzu should always be planted at night. If kudzu is planted during daylight hours, angry neighbors might see you and begin throwing rocks at you.

Selecting the Proper Fertilizer:

The best fertilizer I have discovered for kudzu is 40 weight non-detergent motor oil. Kudzu actually doesn't need anything to help it grow, but the motor oil helps to prevent scraping the underside of the tender leaves when the kudzu starts its rapid growth. It also cuts down on the friction and lessens the danger of fire when the kudzu really starts to move. Change oil once every thousand feet or every two weeks which ever comes first.

Mulching the Plants:

Contrary to what may be told by the Extension Service, kudzu can profit from a good mulch. I have found that a heavy mulch for the young plants produces a hardier crop. For best results, as soon as the young shoots begin to appear, cover kudzu with concrete blocks. Although this causes a temporary setback, your kudzu will accept this mulch as a challenge and will reward you with redoubled determination in the long run.

Organic or Chemical Gardening:

Kudzu is ideal for either the organic gardener or for those who prefer to use chemicals to ward off garden pests. Kudzu is oblivious to both chemicals and pests. Therefore, you can grow organically and let the pests get out of the way of the kudzu as best they can, or you can spray any commercial poison directly on your crop. Your decision depends on how much you enjoy killing bugs. The kudzu will not mind either way.

Crop Rotation:

Many gardeners are understandably concerned that growing the same crop year after year will deplete the soil. If you desire to change from kudzu to some other plant next year, now is the time to begin preparations. Right now, before the growing season has reached its peak, you should list your house and lot with a reputable real estate agent and begin making plans to move elsewhere. Your chances of selling will be better now than they will be later in the year, when it may be difficult for a prospective buyer to realize that underneath those lush green vines stands an adorable three-bedroom house.

CAUTION:

Make sure to close your windows at night to keep the kudzu out--especially if your bed is under one of them. Bear in mind that legal precedent has established that the murder of someone, who neglected to keep their kudzu in check, is but one instance of "justifiable homicide."


Wednesday, December 2, 2020

Two Different Views Sharing One Reality

[DISCLAIMER: This is a re-telling of a fictional story that I first read in the newsgroup rec.humor in 1997. It is attributed to a Barbara Mikkelson and was published in the Toronto Globe and Mail by Sharon Melnicer on September 4, 2007.]


TEACHER:

Today we will experiment with a new form called the "tandem story." The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph and so on, back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JANE:

At first, Betty couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Bruce, who once said, in happier times, that he also adored chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Bruce. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question. She'd switch to chai.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JOHN:

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Bruce Harrington, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Zontar 3, had more important things to think about than the neurotic meanderings of an air-headed, asthmatic bimbo named Betty with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harrington to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far ..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JANE:

Bruce struck his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Zontar 3. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Betty read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JOHN:

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Meribian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted, bleeding-heart peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through parliament had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. ... The prime minister, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the floor of the Arctic Ocean, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, pathetic, stupid Betty.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JANE:

This is absurd, Mrs. Mikkelson. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JOHN:

Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered, tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of freakin' TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Jackie Collins novels!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JANE: 

Brain-dead jerk!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

JOHN: 

PMS witch!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

JANE:

Drop dead, you neanderthal!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

JOHN 

In your dreams, you flake. Go drink some tea.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

TEACHER:

Okay! We're done now! Good job, both of you! THE END!